Jokes of the day..

What do you call a man with a car on his head ?
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JACK

How Do You Keep An ***** In Suspense ?
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Tell Ya Tomorrow

> >> >Three tortoises, Rodney, Derek and Gary, decide to go on picnic.
Rodney
> >> packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
> >> >
> >> >The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away. So, it
takes
> >> >them
> >> ten days to get there.
> >> >
> >> >When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary
give me
> >>the
> >> bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Gary
> >> >
> >> >"I thought you packed it," Rodney gets worried, He turns to Derek,
"Did
> > you
> >> bring the bottle opener?"
> >> >
> >> >Naturally Derek didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from
home
> >> without a bottle opener.
> >> >
> >> >Rodney and Derek beg Gary to go back for it. But he refuses as he
says
> >> they will eat all the sandwiches.
> >> >
> >> >After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that
> >> they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
> >> >
> >> >So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace.
> >> >
> >> >20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Derek are
starving,
> > but
> >> a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still
> >> >
> >> >isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take
it
any
> >> longer so they take out a sandwich each
> >> >
> >> >and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from behind a
rock
> >> >and
> >> shouts
> >> >
> >> >
> >> >"I KNEW IT' ........ I'M NOT F***ING GOING!"
> >>
> >>

Not Really A Joke But It Takes You Back A Few Years

Just for a minute, forget everything stressful and read this

Close your eyes and go back in time.

Before the Internet or the Apple Mac.

Before semi-automatics, joyriders and crack....

Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...

Way back........

I'm talking about Hide and Seek in the park.

The corner shop.

Hopscotch.

Butterscotch.

Skipping.

Handstands.

Football with an old can.

Fingerbob.

Beano, Dandy, Buster, Twinkle and Dennis the menace.

Roly Poly.

Hula Hoops,

The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.

Bazooka Joe bubble gum.

An ice cream cone on a warm summer night from the van that plays a tune

Chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe Neapolitan or perhaps a

screwball

Watching Saturday morning cartoons....short adverts , The Double

Deckers, Road Runner, He-Man, Zeebedee Tiswas or Swapshop?, and 'Why

Don't You'? - or staying up for Doctor Who.

When around the corner seemed far away and going into town seemed like

going somewhere.

Earwigs, wasps, stinging nettles and bee stings.

Sticky fingers.

Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, and Zorro.

Climbing trees.

Walking to school, no matter what the weather.

Running till you were out of breath and getting a stitch,

laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

Being tired from playing....remember that?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon

playing cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Choppers and Grifters

I'm not finished just yet.....

Eating raw jelly. Orange squash ice pops.

Remember when...

There were two types of trainers - girls and boys, and Dunlop Green Flash

- and the only time you wore them at school was for P.E.

You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.

When nobody owned a pure-bred dog.

When 25p was decent pocket money

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When being sent to the head's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.. Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! - and some of us are still afraid of them!!

Remember when....

Decisions were made by going " Ip Dip Dog S* t "

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly".

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite *** was germs.

And the worst thing in your day was having to sit next To one.

It was unbelievable that 'British Bulldog 123' wasn't An Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a catapult.

Nobody was prettier than Mum.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED.

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...

I DOUBLE-DARE YOU

3 things not to say in a gay bar
1 **** me its hot in here
2 Bugger me this beers good
3 Do you mind if i push your stool in a bit !!!!

Woman stands nude in front of the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
" i look terrible, im lookin old, and a little overweight... pay me a compliment"
Husband replies " your eyesights spot on "

carpe diem said:

A young boy went up to his father and asked 'What's
the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment, then answered: "Go
and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million pounds and also ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million quid, then come back and tell me what you
have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would
you sleep with Robert Redford for a million
pounds?"
The mother replied: "Definitely, I wouldn't pass up
an opportunity like that."
The boy went to his older sister and asked: "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The
girl replied: "Oh gosh, I would just love to do
that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy thought about this for a few days and went
back to his father. His father asked him; "Did you
find the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied: "Yes, potentially we're sitting
on two million quid, but realistically we're living with a couple of slappers!"
The father replied "That's my boy!"

Click to expand...

ha ha :thumbup

little1uk said:

Woman stands nude in front of the bedroom mirror and says to her husband
" i look terrible, im lookin old, and a little overweight... pay me a compliment"
Husband replies " your eyesights spot on "

Click to expand...

lol :thumbup

wot do you call a bear with a **** on its head?



genital ben

dyslexic dwarves-they're not big and they're not clever

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".

So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".

Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

Two guys where walking down the street when they saw two dogs humping.

One said, "I wonder how much liquor it would take to get my wife to do it that way".

So they made a bet of 10 bucks on whose wife would do it on the lease amount of liqour.

After a week they met in a bar.

"Well", said the first guy "How much liquor did it take".

"A pint of whiskey", replied the other guy.

The first guy said "You win, It took me a whole bottle just to get her out in the yard."

Murphy stops by to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"


"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.




"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."




"Fook off you liar!"




"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"




"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Bloke goes to the Doctor's.... 'I've got a problem with my Arse' he says
Doctor ( as bored as you like) says ' Okay, get yer kecks of and lets see yer fudge tunnel' (or words to that effect).... 'ah haa!' says the Dr... 'I can see what the problem is.... there's a a bit of lettuce sticking out of your arse'..... 'alright then pull it out' says the bloke....'aaaah well that's just the tip of the iceburg' says the Dr....
go on then, laugh it is a bit funny!!!!!

A young women is a big chelsea fan and has Lampard and Terry's tattooed on her thighs.
She asks her friend does she recognise them?
She says she isn't sure but the one in the middle with the black curly hair and big lips is Shaun Wright-Phillips:cool2

a little old lady

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up acouple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told himshe was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Why I fired My Secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.




I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"


We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go
straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.




She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.




And I just sat there... On the couch...




Naked!!

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