Uh oooohhh..It sounds like we need some more "keep your chin up" intervention here..
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
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THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad,
how many kinds of ****ies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well
son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are
like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears,
still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many
types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is
like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a
birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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Q: Why was the washing machine laughing?
A: Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.
Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"
Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the **** out of the dog
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and *** education on the same
day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelery
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Feeling a bit better now? :devious :laugh