Jokes of the day..

why did the monkey fall out of the tree ????
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he died !!!!!!!!!

why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree ??
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because he was holding on to the frist one !!!!!

What is the difference between having guts and having balls.


With guts, you come home after a night out drunk and see your wife sweeping the floor. You ask her if she is sweeping or is she going to fly to the store for more beer.


With balls, you come home drunk, disshoveled, lipstick on your face, collar and potentially other body parts. All the while smelling of cheap perfume. You spot the wife standing there glaring at you. You calmly walk up, smack her on the *** and say, "You're next, Fatty!"

Mr. Honda goes to Heaven

Mr. Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven for judgment. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr. Honda, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Mr. Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him."

St. Peter took Mr. Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"

God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".

"Well," said Mr. Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some

major design flaws in your design;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.


4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs."

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

Little Johnnys neighbour had given birth to a baby but he was born without ears, johnny and his mum went round to visit the baby, johnny was warned that i he mentioned the baby had no ears he would be grounded for a month. Johnny looked in the cot and said "what a lovely baby, lovely feet, hands and such soft skin", he turned to the babies mother and asked " Hows his eyesight?" The babies mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied: "Thats great news cause he'd be ****** if he needed glasses"

Bert and flo in an old peoples home,
BERT: Im leaving you flo, im leaving you for Ivy, she holds my willy all night.
FLO: But so do i Bert.
BERT: Yes but she's got parkinsons.

Bloke see's an advert in a pet shop, TALKIN CENTIPEDE £5000, He buys it and takes home in a small box and after about 30mins takes the lid off and asks if it would like to go down the pub for a pint, the centipede doesnt answer, so raisin his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, gettin angry thinkin he's been conned he shouts the question again, at which the centipede sticks his head out the box and says " I heard you the first tme, i was puttin my ****** shoes on "

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' :jack

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".

a girls first time !!!!!

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?

A bloke goes to the doctors with a flywheel between his legs
The doctor asks: "Whats that ?"
Bloke replies: "dunno, but its drivin me nuts"

A bloke see's a woman givin him the eye,
"Do i know you ?" he asks
"Yes" she replies
He quickly thinks of the one time he was unfaithful and adds,
"Were you the stripper i shagged over the pool table on my stag night, you spanked me and shoved a cucumber up my arse ?"
"No" she replies "Im your sons maths teacher"

Man and Wife in bed, he farts and shouts goal, the wife lets one go and shouts 1 all.
When it gets to 2 all the man strains so hard for the winning fart he ***** the bed. The wife says what the hell was that ? Man replies, Half time, swap sides

knotty said:

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' :jack

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******".

Click to expand...

ha ha :thumbup

Hospital Tour

A women is given a hospital tour, she looks in a room and see's a man:jack masturbatin " thats awful " she says to the doctor. He explains the man has an incurable condition, his testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it 5 times a day or he will be in terrible pain. " Poor man " says the woman, in the next room a nurse is suckin a mans ****. " Explain that then " she says to the doctor. The doctor says " Same condition but he's with BUPA "

A young boy went up to his father and asked 'What's
the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment, then answered: "Go
and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million pounds and also ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million quid, then come back and tell me what you
have learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would
you sleep with Robert Redford for a million
pounds?"
The mother replied: "Definitely, I wouldn't pass up
an opportunity like that."
The boy went to his older sister and asked: "Would
you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The
girl replied: "Oh gosh, I would just love to do
that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy thought about this for a few days and went
back to his father. His father asked him; "Did you
find the difference between potentially and
realistically?"
The boy replied: "Yes, potentially we're sitting
on two million quid, but realistically we're living with a couple of slappers!"
The father replied "That's my boy!"

Man sittin at home looking at his marriage certificate,
Wife asks " what you lookin at that for ? "
Man replies " the expiry date "

Be aware of this. I had another lucky escape.

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that
was the end of that.Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Be Aware!